Melancholy

Ok, so Facebook isn't the most reliable place to find an accurate quiz for discovering one's temperament, but I think this one is pretty accurate. As a matter of fact, I liked the result so much that I've decided to save it here for posterity.

Melancholy

 

 

• You are a deep ocean and just as violent.
• You are emotional and thoughtful, artistic and musical. Even if you don't draw or play an instrument, art and music play a big part in your life. ...
• You are talented and creative.
• You are philosophical and poetic. Sometimes that means you create a piece of art or poetry, and sometimes it means you have a new idea or a new way of approaching something.
• You are always an original. You underestimate yourself and are sensitive.
• You put others before yourself.
• You feel their pain. When someone has a problem, they come to you. Not to solve it, but to cry with them. You are analytical and conscientious. Even with all this analysis you are idealistic.
• You appreciate beauty.
• You see things others miss, and can feel a problem coming like a chill before the rain.
• You are orderly and organized and strive for perfection in everything you do.
• You value things, people, resources.
• You are very focused on the details.
• You make friends cautiously and the friends you have are few and very close to you.
• You are very faithful and devoted.
• You value loyalty and can become resentful if betrayed.
• You seek out special people who see your depth and beauty and they travel with you for long friendships.
• You have a deep concern for other people and will listen to their complaints.
• People rely on you.
• Introvert: The Resident Genius.

What would I say?

What would I say to you if I were to be candid?

Would I say that I'm sorry? Sure, if the subject were broached, I would say that I'm very sorry. Sorry for what? For being a self-centered bitch. For letting you down. For letting your family down. For being me.

Would I tell you I love you? No. I may still have feelings about the person you once were, but I'm sure that past person has since been altered. Much like myself, you've had traumatic experiences that have shaped you, molded you into... what... I do not know... whoever you may be today.

Do I want to go down that road again? Um. No. It's nothing personal, but you were WAY too easy for me to push around. When you had problems controlling your temper around everyone else, you obeyed my every whim. Which is not healthy, for you or me. Which is not what I need at the moment. I need someone who is strong, but gentle. You never found the balance between the two. Again, not to be mean, but I need someone who is smart...-er than you are. I never thought you were stupid. I still don't. But the fact remains that you neglected your education to the point that, while it was endearing back then, it would seriously get on my nerves to the point of offending me as I am now.

So, why am I writing this? So I can keep my mouth (fingers) in check the next time I talk/write to you. So I don't take a flight of fancy with the butterflies that are in my stomach when I think of you... the past tense you... the you that you used to be when I treated you so horribly... the you that is forever etched in my memory... as the one who... was too scared to make the move... was so sweet when I didn't deserve that kind of treatment... was under my thumb and under my spell... I liked that feeling, and like it still, which is why I entertain the thought of stringing you along once again.

But you are not YOU anymore

And I am not me

And I know it's not fair to the new you... the you I will get acquainted with... the you who is ten years older... wiser
And it's not fair to me... the new me... the scared, angry, agitated, nervous, depressed, hopeless case of a mess me... the me that I kept hidden from the old you... and everyone else... until six months ago when it burst like a hot water bottle that was filled too full before heating
It's not fair to dump all of that mess onto one person, a person who most likely cannot handle the heat... the scalding heat of the steam that shoots out of my ears from time to time and overflows onto the carpet, burning the souls of those who are in my vicinity

So, I'll let you in on my secrets... little by little... until you know the true me for the ugly beast that I am.... the unrecognizable fat gross hateful fearful manic mess that I am. Then you'll realize that the old you didn't know the old me at all... that it was an act skillfully played by a master of manipulation who was pulling your strings and watching you dance at awkward angles until I grew tired of the jig and cut the strings leaving your lifeless broken body on the floor for your family to put back together... Only... I was the only person who was capable of making you whole again. For that, I will say that I'm sorry.

Are you effin kidding me?

Ok, I think I've figured this out. My brain is just flat out over-analytical. Once again, a person from my past has contacted me. A person who never did me any wrong. Instead, I did them wrong. For no good reason. And I feel bad about it. Terry knows they have contacted me, and he and I agreed that it is best that he doesn't have our phone number. This is not unreasonable, because I wouldn't like it if Terry's ex girlfriends were calling him up (when it was happening, I didn't appreciate it).

Anyway, the ex in question is named Mike. He was a good enough guy, as far as I was concerned. He was, in fact, the first guy I went out with on whom I had a crush prior to his asking me out. I was ecstatic about this, honestly. Well, I went off to Job Corps while he was on house arrest. And, because I was a self-centered little bitch, I dumped him at the first opportunity of greener pastures. And that was really horrible of me. And I feel bad. And I want to write him this long, drawn out email detailing how much I am sorry and apologize to him. But I haven't. Why, you ask? Well, that's complicated... and it's not....

See, I've learned a lot about myself and about other people in the past six months. I can read the signs. I was one of the first people he contacted upon his release from prison. He addressed me as "Sweetie". Obviously, he still has a thing for me... Which is so sweet... and undeserving... in my eyes. And that makes me just want to give him a big hug. The old feelings I had for him come back... and this time with reason. He WAS really good to me. Very sweet and respectful. Perhaps a bit intimidated by me, but I've since learned that I just tend to have that effect on people. Either way, I really liked him.. and he really liked me. And I think these feelings are still there. BUT... there's always a "but"...

He still thinks I'm the same person I was back then... some 10 years ago. That could not be further from the truth. And, since he's spent that same amount of time in prison, I'm sure the same applies to him. What I'm afraid of is that I am going to talk to him and find out that I like him just as much now as I did then.

The problem with that is that I really and truly love Terry. He is good for me, and I am good for him. Each of our families love the other. I don't know where I'd be if not for him. So, I've taken a step back from this situation. I haven't written any long, apologetic emails. I haven't given my phone number out. I haven't made any calls. I've been a good girl. I've decided to talk to him on chat only. To see how that goes. To make sure that I don't light any fires or fan any existent flames. To ensure that my current relationship endures. My head is on straighter now than when I was talking to Jeremy. I'm over that whole ordeal. I can understand why Terry doesn't want me talking to Mike over the phone. And I'll go along with it.

Happy, Happy, Birthday...

Ok, why the fuck do I still remember your birthday?  Half the time, I can't remember much more important dates, so why does October 26th, 1976 still seem to be embedded into my memory?

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go....

Yeah, right. I used to pretend that you'd come and sweep me off my feet. But, you never did. So, I changed that pretense into a "chance meeting" where, miraculously, you and I were both single. But, that never happened. Then, I realized that you were never going to come back into my life in any way that would please me, because there were too many unanswered questions.

I'm looking for attention, not another question...

You probably still have no clue how you affected me, or how I cried when I mailed the letter that labelled me a "cold-hearted bitch". You probably don't care. No, I know you don't care. You never did, and that.. I think... is what really kills me... what makes me want revenge... You never even cared how you affected other people who cared about you. And it KILLS me that I still care. I deny it to everyone to the end of the earth, but it's true. I do care.

Have you no shame? Don't you see me?

Why the fuck do I care? Because I care about other people in general? No, although that is true. I care about you specifically. And it's weird how I have come to that conclusion. When Shawna was staying here for those few weeks, she and I would sometimes drift onto the topic of you, her older brother, her should-be protector. And I got angry. Very angry. I thought I'd let this go a long time ago... About the time I got relabelled by you... But it crept back up inside of me like a knife that had been lying dormant. All the pain, sorrow, tears, resentment, and rejection you gave to me came boiling back to the surface 10 years after the last time we spoke. Then I got pissed. I mean, really, seriously pissed. Your sister had to stop me from driving to Paris to kick your ass a few times. Generally speaking, I don't get that angry about what someone else does or says unless they mean something to me. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I do actually still care. Ugh! Why?! You were such a dick to me! But, back to the ass-kicking portion....

I wanted to kick your ass for so many reasons...

For slighting me
For making me feel insignificant
For making me feel not good enough
For being the yard-stick by which I measured men for a LONG time
For lying
For being non-committal
For being an irresponsible person
For hurting your family
For making me think I had a chance
For using me to stroke your already enormous ego
For hurting another woman, who isn't nearly as bad as you told me she was... (in fact, she and I are friends now. Doesn't that just piss you off?)
For being a bad influence on your younger brothers and sisters. They now have problems that can be linked to your bad behavior.
For seriously, and possibly permanently, damaging one of your sisters, so much so that she has problems in her marriage.

Yeah, I could keep going, but what's the point? I feel this way and you don't give a crap. You never did. You never will. Part of my therapy (yes, I'm in therapy) is that I have to learn to let go of things. I'm totally failing that portion. I can't let things go. So, this is my burden to bear, until I learn to put it down. It really should be shared by you, but you won't even help carry the load. You never will. So why do I bother even writing this? I want you to see it, but I don't. I know that if you do, you're just going to laugh with your barely-legal girlfriend and point and talk about the little girl who "used to stalk you". Dude, I don't stalk. Period. And my actions back then were dictated by your encouragement. Don't get that confused.

K. I'm done. I'm not sure if I'll post this anywhere else. Why bother?

I had a good day today.

Below is a selection of excerpts from several songs that remind me of a certain person. For some reason, as the alcohol, medication, and "other things" begin to course through my veins, I find myself thinking more and more of that certain individual. My feelings are those of hurt, deception, and anger. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get over this, other than there are a select few... and elite, if you will.... that are allowed as far into my mind as he got. And to have him brush me off like an irritating horsefly really.... well, how do I put this? Hurts my feelings? Makes me feel completely and utterly rejected? Yeah, that's as close as I can get to putting into words adequately. As a woman who could once get whatever she wanted from almost any man on the planet, I'm not used to this feeling. It's doesn't feel great. And, consequently, since I'm not used to this feeling, I'm having a harder than usual time dealing with it. So, I'm going to write about it the best way I can under my current conditions. Whether or not this particular individual actually reads this, I don't care. This is selfish. This is for me. I hope that my sweetheart, Terry, does read this. He needs to know how I feel when someone who I did NOT love can affect me. Now that Terry has been allowed full access to the abyss that is my mind, he should know what the consequences could be from him... the love of my life.... rejecting me.

If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied,
and I won't betray the things that I hide.
There's not enough years underneath this belt,
for me to admit the way that I felt.

See, there? My luck ran out. I was forced to choose between repeating a pattern, or actually, honestly opening up to the man I loved. I chose the latter. My luck ran out. For once, I'm with a man that is too smart to see past my games. Once I opened his eyes, he actually continued to watch! So, my luck ran out.... but I'm much better off for it. I needed help admitting to someone whose opinion matters to me the things going on inside my head. I was scared that it would change his opinion of me.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize
But can you go back once you know?

I can't unknow the things I know and like about the person in question. Terry can't unknow all of the things he's just learned about me. He can't go back to not counting the pills in my hand. I can't unknow how close I was to the other person.... how much I enjoyed talking to him.... how much I really like him. We can't go back to "the way it was... before".

I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you, too

I mean this literally to both men involved. I had something (-one) to lose by leaving Terry. I had to figure this out--quick. I felt like I couldn't keep true to a different part of myself, if I decided one way or the other. I had two options: Cheat on Terry and lose that part of myself that deals with responsibility, loyalty, and love. ~~OR~~ I could stay with Terry and lose that part of me that likes having a relationship with someone who truly gets me. Me? Of course I came up with I third option: Decide to be open, for once, and let that person see the skeletons and hiding insanities.

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep I need to tell you
Goodnight

(**Side note: "the person in question" will now be referred to as J, cause my brain is moving too slow right now to type that phrase out any more.)

I felt that way about both of you. I felt the urgent need to give a heartfelt ending to the day. J, I had to say good-night, have good dreams, you're going to be ok. I felt my day wasn't complete without telling him so. I can't sleep at all if Terry isn't by my side these days. He is my love, my shelter, my protector. I had to have him close, or I wouldn't feel right, wouldn't be able to sleep.

Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands

This is purely for J. I really thought it would be easier to let it go, but I still find myself dwelling on it from time to time. No matter what was going on in my life, or in my head, talking to him would always make me feel better, normal for a few seconds. It's unfair to put my happiness into the hands of someone else. But, I did it, unintentionally. However, when I came to that realization, I discovered that there was indeed a person already here with me who was capable of handling that burden. It's not his fault that I didn't give Terry the benefit of the doubt. I'm glad that I decided to give him that chance.

What am I supposed to do
with all these blues?
Haunting me everywhere,
no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out
in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over?
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And, Baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's ROBBERY

So, this one is specifically for you, J. You KNEW how much I liked talking to you, how close I felt to you, how a part of my happiness depended on the daily chats you and I had. You KNEW this. Instead of manning up and telling me straight up why you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you concocted a story to "soften the blow" I guess. When men tell stories like that to women, they offer the women a glimmer of hope that the situation is reversible, even though it's not in the minds of the men. It's always better to shoot us straight. Yes, we'll get angry. In fact, we'll go through all the stages of grief. BUT, we'll eventually get over it and move on.

Life fell away from his voice in the midnight air
Hey
Lying on the moonlit ground he was looking up at me
Such a simple thing to do
Just as simple as the way he fades away.....
.........fades
.............away

This, too, is for J. After all, HE'S the one who faded away from me. Slowly. Painfully. Like watching someone die from a distance. As much as he was sinking into his oblivion, overpowered by the problems he is facing from within and without, I felt like I was standing on the edge of the ocean, powerless to throw him a life raft. Every time I cast it to him, he would swim further out to sea, ignoring the help I was offering, refusing to trust that I would, that I could indeed pull him back ashore.

Close your ears to words from out
Unless the word came out your head
Or the word was built with your hands
Close your soul to a voice of a man from a non distant land
Cause that man has a plan to put bullets through your stand
Do you stand under this
Or
Do you stand over this
Do you over stand me
You must not be listening
Its O.K.
I understand
Why
I
We
No he,
Told you
But Do
If you have the words inside your self
Then
Listen to the words you hear
Listen to the words you say

This is advice to myself, given by the ever-eloquent Justin Nozuka. I think it's pretty much self-explanatory. Given the fact that one of the only people I opened up to shut the door on me, I have to turn away from that door and search within. It's wasn't as dark and ghastly as I imagined. I listened to myself. I told me that the correct course to take would be to break from my pattern, a pattern that was self-destructive and led me nowhere.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Going under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

It's hard to explain why I had a good day today when all of these angry and hurtful thoughts are going through my mind. Don't get me wrong, things are tense around here at times. But we've learned to coexist, to talk instead of yell, to compromise instead of demanding. The above excerpt isn't for Terry. I'll write another blog for him alone. This one, again, is for J. It reads like a "Dear John" letter, one that I'd write to him if I felt the need to waste anymore energy on him. It almost details how the brief relationship that he and I had actually played out. The sadness from him jilting me hit me like a runaway train. My recovery is a lot faster than it would have been had I actually taken the steps that would have allowed me to actually fall in love with him. I'm glad that I didn't.

Absence... Heart.... Fonder?

So, I'm sitting here wondering... Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Can absence make the heart grow fonder when the presence of a certain person has never been felt? Case in point: My other and I reconnected via the internet. Talked on the phone constantly for several months, decided we were in love, he moved down, moved in. Having never met in person during our adult lives, could his absence have made my heart grow fonder of him, since my heart had never known his presence? I don't know. I don't think he does, either. Considering he has had two long-term relationships, both of which started via the Internet. Would he have known the difference between falling in love in person, or through a relatively impersonal medium?

Don't get me wrong... I'm not knocking cyber-romance. In my lifetime, it has become possible to connect with people from practically every part of the globe in real-time. BUT (as I said Saturday night, there's always a BUT) we've lost something in all of this light-speed communication. It was NEVER intended for us to be able to fall in love without physical contact. Whatever you believe, evolution, intelligent design, it is clear that our bodies and minds are programmed to take in large amounts of data through ALL 5 of our senses.... Sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We release chemicals that attract the opposite sex on the sub-conscious level through our sense of smell. Also on that level, we sum up the symmatry of a person's body, looking for hints as to whether this person would create good offspring. The sound of a person's voice, the texture of their skin, lips and hair, the taste of their kiss... These are all supposed to be determining factors when we choose that special someone. People who use these senses are often called shallow, but these things were programmed into us for a reason. Physical compatibility is JUST AS important as the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual levels.

Long line of excuses....

So, basically it all boils down to this: Everyone, except for my mom, bailed on me today. Stacia wanted/needed some time away... She got caught up in other stuff and could only stop by for a moment to pick up her knee brace as I was walking out the door. Understandable. I know her crazy life, so I know that things like this do come up at the last friggin second. Not entirely heartbroken about it, but I missed time with my soul sister.

Shawna made plans to come a visit in TC today. She canceled at the last second because of family issues. Also understandable. I would never ask someone to put me before their kids. Disappointed, yes. Mad? No.

Jeremy completely bailed on me. No phone call. No text. Nothing. Just flat out didn't show up, didn't answer his phone, didn't answer the text messages or the voicemails. Ok, now I'm disappointed. And angry. WTF? I mean, seriously.

Stacia, Shawna... Thank you. You guys have always told me what I NEEDED to hear... Not what I necessarily WANTED to hear.

Mom, I love you. Right now, more than I could ever express. You gave me permission to be crazy and indecisive right now. You validated my choice to refuse to make a choice. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Right now, while I have the house to myself (Thank God... Please, God, let Terry stay wherever he is tonight).... I'm going to take some night-night pills and crash.

If ANY of the people mentioned in this blog happen to feel the need to call me tomorrow, by all means, do so. If not, well... in my state of mind right now... It's whatever.

While the coffee brews...

Have you ever noticed how the titles to my posts always sound like they could be soap opera titles? I just noticed that, and it seems a little appropriate. Apparently, I have an affinity for creating drama where there once was none. It's wired into my brain... damnit.

Anyway... Last night unfolded like this: Stacia comes over. We blow off some steam. She leaves. Terry gets home. Hoo-freaking-ray for me! It's really hard to figure out the crap in my head when the person I'm figuring stuff out about is sitting/sleeping in my living room. Neither of us has the money to get our own place. Nor do we have a (local) place to "crash" while my mind does some serious work.

I've already outlined most of the questions here, so I feel no need to repeat myself. There are no easy answers to those questions, especially in my current state of mind. I'm barely holding myself together right now, so why should it be expected that I can make life changing decisions in a snap? I told Terry I needed time to sort stuff out... That I needed that time and was working on the problem BEFORE crap hit the fan.... And now that I have to clean crap out of my hair at the same time, it's going to take longer. He's going to have to understand that, or make the decision for me and leave.

I told him all the things that lead to me first questioning our relationship. Of course, if he had read more than one post in my blog, he'd have known without me telling him. I told him that now that I have this trust issue to deal with on top of everything else... It could be a while. Maybe talking to Mom today will help clarify some things. Maybe she'll do what I think she'll do and tell me that I'm on my own in this.

"Hand me something relatively easy, and I'll complicate the shit out of it." ^^^THAT should be on my warning label. (Note to self: get an estimated price for a tattooed warning label on my ass.)

How?

How do I always get myself into these situations? I am always SO SURE that he's the one.... Things go great for a while... Then something snaps....

He deserves to have someone who is completely open with him.

I deserve to be with someone who can listen to my insanity without judgment... Around whom I can just be ME.

Never said he was a bad guy... He's not.

Never said I didn't love him... I do.

Never said he was perfect.

Never claimed to be perfect.

I was a different person 2 and a half years ago.

He's made some changes, too.

We are growing in separate directions.

Can it work? I don't know.

Do I want to try? Again, don't know.

Will this all be clear in a day or two? Unlikely.

Final Post

So, I have to close this blog and start a new one. I was using it to protect my (ex) fiance from all the madness that goes on in my head. Well, he lost his shit and I was forced to show it to him so he could see what an ass he was being. He now knows all the of the deepest, darkest thoughts that have gone through my head. I was trying to spare him all that nastiness, because he wouldn't have the first clue on how to deal with it. No, he had to go and be an ass.... Make me show my true colors...

But that leads to another question.... Why in the hell should I have to wear a mask around the person who is supposed to be closer to me than anyone else? The answer: I shouldn't. I should be able to be completely and totally me. Honest... Open... Direct... Crazy (as it comes). Is it fair to either one of us for me to continue on in a relationship where I am constantly hiding my inner self from him? No, it's not.

So, I still have a decision to make. One that will affect the rest of my life and possibly my credibility with certain key family members. Before I make that call, I have to talk to Mom, which I'm doing tomorrow. Then, I have to deliberate.

For now, I'm living in a house with a man I am separated from. My schoolwork is not getting done because of all this mess... I'm going to have to request an extension... again. Oh, well... It WILL get done this time around. I'm not going to lose my dream over some guy. I did that once with Rodney and again with Chris. Not doing it again. I will persist... I will carry on.... I will move on... I will eventually find that one person who gets me completely and accepts me that way. Whether or not that is Terry still remains to be seen.

Roller Coasters and Lyrics

I woke up this morning cranky as hell. I got my coffee and settled down to the computer. Didn't do much on the computer... Mainly listened to music and chatted a little bit. The person I was chatting with went to lunch, so I got up to do dishes. I cranked the music. Suddenly, I found myself dancing. I was in a great mood! When does that happen, lately? Junior wanted nothing more than to play today, so I played with him... and danced... and washed bottles... and all was right with the world for about an hour. Then....

Junior's therapist gets here, and I find myself unburdening my soul about everything... well, almost everything.... I told her about how I'm crazy and that I need help... She gave some advice... suggested some ways for me to get some help (with which I plan to follow through).... And, I ended up buried deep into my funk again.... And I cranked the music.... different music this time...

Then, Terry gets home, and everything is ok.... for a moment... a vapor of smoke in time when he and I were like we used to be... happy, loving, playful, attentive.... and then he leaves, to go coach soccer with a guy from his work... and I crank the music again.... Justin Nozuka this time. Mellow... Slow... Sad... Sappy.... Wise.....

If music is the language of the heart and soul, then my soul is bipolar and my heart is schizophrenic. I sit back and reflect on what I listened to today, and what it says about my moods.... I'm on a roller coaster of emotions that is raging out of control.... the highs are exhilarating.... the lows drop a pit into my stomach.... side to side, up and down, round and round, upside down and back again... in a battle with myself.

I'm losing.

Let it fade....

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

Jeremy Camp is a genius. This song always helps me put things in perspective. Through everything that is going on in my mind.... Peace... Everlasting peace in God. And I know I'll make it through... Just have to keep walking...

Clarity and Confusion

Things that are clear to me:

I love Junior.
In fact, I love all my kids.
I want to be closer to them.
I want to be closer to my parents.
I want to finish school.
I need to go back to work.
I need these meds to start working.
I need to not be feeling so down all the time so I can be a productive member of my household, family, community, society.

Things that I'm confused about:

Do I feel obligated to Terry, or do I want to be with him?
Is what I'm feeling a result of my constant need for understanding?
Do I sell him short?
Is this just a phase?
Is it caused by the depression?
Is the grass truly greener?
If so, is it just because the grass is growing over a septic tank?
Do I have time to figure all this out?
Will I ever figure all this out?
Do I want to figure all this out, or am I afraid of what I'll find out?
Will I be able to take the appropriate action, or will I settle?
Will it be settling?
Am I satisfied with being with someone who seriously needs a "mommy"?
Is that really what he needs, or am I just over exaggerating?
Is it possible to work out the kinks with someone who has a self-confessed, and perhaps self-afflicted, problem with communication?

Again, more questions than answers.

Confusion...

Every time I get happy in a relationship, something happens. I don't know if it's fate, the devil or a test. Either way, this is what happens: I'm going along in my relationship, being relatively content with it. No relationship is perfect, and I understand that... so I say relatively. Then, an innocuous person enters or re-enters my life, and I find myself questioning the entire state of my relationship. In the past, it was Chris entering my life when I was dating Mike... Then, Chuck when I was married to Chris... Keith and Jon when I was with Chuck... Each time, it was a "grass is always greener" scenario. They all told me the same things... I'll be nicer, cleaner, work harder, give it to you better, take care of you... on and on... I was able to resist Keith and Jon, and in hindsight, I made the right decision. Keith was a loser and Jon would never have committed to me. Chris ended up being my husband, and I ended up leaving him for Chuck. The jury is still out on which of those was a worse decision, and the verdict may never be known. All I know for sure is that for the first time, I was truly single when Terry and I got together. No extra baggage. No drama. Just him and me. We worked through most of our differences, mutually decided to have a baby (which I was pressured to do by Chuck, and forbidden to do by Chris). Now, I have this beautiful baby boy. I have a fiance who my sister is slowly letting me work into my children's lives.

So, what happened, you ask? What else? Someone has re-entered my life that has made me question my entire relationship. He didn't do it intentionally, at least, not that I know of. And a million things start going through my mind. But, this time, it's different. This time, I'm not looking back at all the times he accused me of cheating (cause he hasn't). I'm not thinking about how he's so lazy that he can't keep a job (cause he does). I'm not seething in anger at the thought of how he can't even take out the trash (he does that, too). WTH? And, for once, I'm evaluating my relationship, and I can't find a single serious fault with it. But, I'm still questioning it. Why? Is it because it's my m.o.? My history does show that I jump around. Rodney, a year and a half of hell. Chris, three years of being unwanted. Chuck, 5 years of being used and accused. And Terry, almost 3 years of... relative happiness. Wait a minute here... I'm happy? I mean other than the serious episode of depression I have going on right now... am I happy? I think I am, but I'm not sure. Why am I not sure? Back to the depression... I think I'm going to have to wait this one out until the Zoloft takes full effect... But, I think it's possible... I'm actually happy. I'll have to revisit this in another month... Everything is different this time around, and a lot is resting on this decision.

In and out

Why is it so hard for people to understand me when I say "I'm in a funk"? Going back and forth between being happy and sad, angry and depressed, panicky and calm. Why do I get this way? How do I stop it? I have no clue, and neither does anyone else. So, those with advanced degrees tell me to take a pill, or two, or ten. Those who can sympathize are really not in a much better position. Some of their advice is great... Still, I feel like no one on this planet has ever been in my same situation. And, that's true. There's only one me... only one person who has lived life in the exact way that I have... only one who has put themselves in the postion I'm in... just me. I am alone. I'm thankful for that in the way that you'd be happy that no one else has gone through the hardships you have. Yes, I know that there are those out there who've had worse things brought upon them. That doesn't help me, though. And, while I'm happy for them, I also resent the people who live their lives without knowing the things I know first hand. If they knew my story, they would shake their heads with pity and promptly forget about me. Or they would tell me it's my fault and that it's up to me to fix it. Well, damnit... sure, a HUGE part of my situation is my doing... but other people had some supporting roles. Now, I am doing everything I can to dig myself back out of this hole... But, it's hard when I have ZERO motivation. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to eat... All I want to do is sleep and play with my little boy... the one person who can put a fleeting genuine smile on my face right now. Some would call what I have a "hormonal imbalance". My ex-husband called it PMDD, the cheuvanist bastard. Chuck would have said, "You're unhappy with me. You're cheating on me." etc., etc.... trying to turn it around to be a pity party for HIM. And Rodney, well, I spent our entire relationship in this state and he didn't even notice. Terry, well I'm hiding much of this from him, but he wouldn't know what to do with me if he knew. Truth be told, I've been prone to depression since my early teens. My parents thought I was a sullen, rebellious teenager... which I was... but it went deeper than that. The counselor I saw when I was 16 even failed to notice it, which is sad and also one of the reasons why I want to be a therapist now. I just keep waiting... and waiting... for these meds to kick in. I've had a few small moments of genuine content since I started on the Zoloft... supplemented by lorazepam, complements of Stacia. Yes, yes, I know it's wrong to take someone else's meds... but I have no insurance, nor money. Until I have either one or the other, I'm going to have to make do. Then, I'll go to the mental health place here in town and get on something... anything... other than effexor.... to snap me out of this. I have tried to do it by myself.... I have tried meds.... I have tried talking to people who know how I feel... Nothing is working for any lasting period of time. I'm not sure what to do now... what steps to take... who to talk to... I know that there are a few people I enjoy talking to, who help me, at least temporarily, forget what my mind is thinking. Perhaps it's because they are in worse places than I.... I don't know. I still don't know... That's my recurrent theme now. I WANT to feel better... Honestly and Truly, I DO. I just don't know how to get there... and I have come to the realization that I cannot do it alone.

I don't know what to say...

Basically, I am at a complete and utter loss right now. The weight I feel upon me is almost tangible. I know that it's the depression sneaking its way back into me. What triggered it, exactly, I cannot say for sure.... But I know that seeing one of my all time favorite shows come to an end tonight was the breaking point. No more ER on Thursday nights... My life is over. Yes, those two phrases came into my head, consecutively, in that order, no fillers. I've been feeling this way for weeks, suppressing it as much as possible. When Terry is around, I might be a bit snippy as I scurry to find the "happy" mask, but I really think he's essentially clueless to how bad I've truly been feeling. I want him to be that way. He said that I did seem happier when I was on my meds, so I have gone back on them. Really, honestly, I don't remember any discernable difference in my mind when I was on them. He seems to think so, so I'll comply. Every time I feel like this, I always sit back and wonder to myself, "What IS my problem? I should be happy... at least happier... Why am I so damned upset, distraught, scared, and flat out sad?" I can never come up with an answer. And now I know why the old snap-out-of-it solution doesn't work. How can I snap out of something when I can't even put my finger on the problem? Why do I want to crawl under a rock and drink and smoke myself into oblivion? I don't know. Why have I actually had fleeting thoughts of suicide? Still, no idea. Is it the fact that I feel like there are three HUGE chunks of me missing (Josh, Hannah, and Braedon)? The economy, and the fact that it is seriously affecting my income? Not being able to call Josh on his birthday? Not having the money to get him those rollerblades he wants? Being behind on my school work and not really caring? My sister telling me she's "too busy being a mom" to be taking any classes right now when I am in some form of doctor's visit for my ONE child SIX times a month? My son not gaining weight like he should and being essentially four months behind developmentally because of it? My almost uncontrollable fear that something is going to happen to take my son away from me? Or the fact that I have that fear at all in lieu of the constant stream of compliments I get on how I'm handling him? I guess it's all of it. And none of it. I really, honestly just don't feel like I'm ever going to be good enough to satisfy the people that mean the most to me. Don't be fooled, I'm very good at hiding all this insecurity... At least with people that don't have the time or patience to pay proper attention. Anyone who spends more than an hour actively engaging me can see beyond what I'm saying and doing. I've always been a terrible actress. The worst part about all of this is that I'm the go-to person. I'm the therapist in training who already has clients. I'm the most emotionally together person in my small circle of close friends, or so they think. Actually, I'm just better at repressing my deepest, darkest, most self-loathing thoughts.... for a time. Then, ER ends and they come bubbling to the surface again... And once again, I'm forced to negotiate with myself... The number one reason I keep myself on this planet in this miserable existence is this: My kids are already screwed up. What will killing myself do to them emotionally and spiritually? Trisha and Hannah would be devestated. So would Terry. Josh would crawl deeper inside himself and probably disappear, needing even more extensive therapy than he is already receiving. Junior would never know me as anything but an angry and depressed person, because those are the only times I write. As I tell my friends who have suicidal tendencies, it is the utmost in selfish acts. So, I choose to endure my pitiful excuse for a life for them. Because, as much as I've screwed up... Killing myself would completely screw them up. But, that still doesn't make me feel better. I just flat out don't know what to do anymore. So, I go back on my meds. I wait until Terry and Junior are in bed to break down. I make sure that no one sees me like this, vulnerable, raw, open, bawling, begging for help that can't/won't/doesn't come. Last time I opened up to an actual human being like this... Well, I never have. Why would I? The people whose opinions mean the most to me don't want/need/have the time to hear it/feel sorry/offer advice/give a hug. The people who would understand need me to listen to them more than I need them to listen to me. So, I have myself... And my blog... And I write until I feel better... But this time it isn't working... I only feel worse... Or maybe this is just my way of getting all those emotions out and it's taking longer than usual. I don't know. I still just don't know.