In and out

Why is it so hard for people to understand me when I say "I'm in a funk"? Going back and forth between being happy and sad, angry and depressed, panicky and calm. Why do I get this way? How do I stop it? I have no clue, and neither does anyone else. So, those with advanced degrees tell me to take a pill, or two, or ten. Those who can sympathize are really not in a much better position. Some of their advice is great... Still, I feel like no one on this planet has ever been in my same situation. And, that's true. There's only one me... only one person who has lived life in the exact way that I have... only one who has put themselves in the postion I'm in... just me. I am alone. I'm thankful for that in the way that you'd be happy that no one else has gone through the hardships you have. Yes, I know that there are those out there who've had worse things brought upon them. That doesn't help me, though. And, while I'm happy for them, I also resent the people who live their lives without knowing the things I know first hand. If they knew my story, they would shake their heads with pity and promptly forget about me. Or they would tell me it's my fault and that it's up to me to fix it. Well, damnit... sure, a HUGE part of my situation is my doing... but other people had some supporting roles. Now, I am doing everything I can to dig myself back out of this hole... But, it's hard when I have ZERO motivation. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to eat... All I want to do is sleep and play with my little boy... the one person who can put a fleeting genuine smile on my face right now. Some would call what I have a "hormonal imbalance". My ex-husband called it PMDD, the cheuvanist bastard. Chuck would have said, "You're unhappy with me. You're cheating on me." etc., etc.... trying to turn it around to be a pity party for HIM. And Rodney, well, I spent our entire relationship in this state and he didn't even notice. Terry, well I'm hiding much of this from him, but he wouldn't know what to do with me if he knew. Truth be told, I've been prone to depression since my early teens. My parents thought I was a sullen, rebellious teenager... which I was... but it went deeper than that. The counselor I saw when I was 16 even failed to notice it, which is sad and also one of the reasons why I want to be a therapist now. I just keep waiting... and waiting... for these meds to kick in. I've had a few small moments of genuine content since I started on the Zoloft... supplemented by lorazepam, complements of Stacia. Yes, yes, I know it's wrong to take someone else's meds... but I have no insurance, nor money. Until I have either one or the other, I'm going to have to make do. Then, I'll go to the mental health place here in town and get on something... anything... other than effexor.... to snap me out of this. I have tried to do it by myself.... I have tried meds.... I have tried talking to people who know how I feel... Nothing is working for any lasting period of time. I'm not sure what to do now... what steps to take... who to talk to... I know that there are a few people I enjoy talking to, who help me, at least temporarily, forget what my mind is thinking. Perhaps it's because they are in worse places than I.... I don't know. I still don't know... That's my recurrent theme now. I WANT to feel better... Honestly and Truly, I DO. I just don't know how to get there... and I have come to the realization that I cannot do it alone.