Confusion...

Every time I get happy in a relationship, something happens. I don't know if it's fate, the devil or a test. Either way, this is what happens: I'm going along in my relationship, being relatively content with it. No relationship is perfect, and I understand that... so I say relatively. Then, an innocuous person enters or re-enters my life, and I find myself questioning the entire state of my relationship. In the past, it was Chris entering my life when I was dating Mike... Then, Chuck when I was married to Chris... Keith and Jon when I was with Chuck... Each time, it was a "grass is always greener" scenario. They all told me the same things... I'll be nicer, cleaner, work harder, give it to you better, take care of you... on and on... I was able to resist Keith and Jon, and in hindsight, I made the right decision. Keith was a loser and Jon would never have committed to me. Chris ended up being my husband, and I ended up leaving him for Chuck. The jury is still out on which of those was a worse decision, and the verdict may never be known. All I know for sure is that for the first time, I was truly single when Terry and I got together. No extra baggage. No drama. Just him and me. We worked through most of our differences, mutually decided to have a baby (which I was pressured to do by Chuck, and forbidden to do by Chris). Now, I have this beautiful baby boy. I have a fiance who my sister is slowly letting me work into my children's lives.

So, what happened, you ask? What else? Someone has re-entered my life that has made me question my entire relationship. He didn't do it intentionally, at least, not that I know of. And a million things start going through my mind. But, this time, it's different. This time, I'm not looking back at all the times he accused me of cheating (cause he hasn't). I'm not thinking about how he's so lazy that he can't keep a job (cause he does). I'm not seething in anger at the thought of how he can't even take out the trash (he does that, too). WTH? And, for once, I'm evaluating my relationship, and I can't find a single serious fault with it. But, I'm still questioning it. Why? Is it because it's my m.o.? My history does show that I jump around. Rodney, a year and a half of hell. Chris, three years of being unwanted. Chuck, 5 years of being used and accused. And Terry, almost 3 years of... relative happiness. Wait a minute here... I'm happy? I mean other than the serious episode of depression I have going on right now... am I happy? I think I am, but I'm not sure. Why am I not sure? Back to the depression... I think I'm going to have to wait this one out until the Zoloft takes full effect... But, I think it's possible... I'm actually happy. I'll have to revisit this in another month... Everything is different this time around, and a lot is resting on this decision.