I woke up this morning cranky as hell. I got my coffee and settled down to the computer. Didn't do much on the computer... Mainly listened to music and chatted a little bit. The person I was chatting with went to lunch, so I got up to do dishes. I cranked the music. Suddenly, I found myself dancing. I was in a great mood! When does that happen, lately? Junior wanted nothing more than to play today, so I played with him... and danced... and washed bottles... and all was right with the world for about an hour. Then....
Junior's therapist gets here, and I find myself unburdening my soul about everything... well, almost everything.... I told her about how I'm crazy and that I need help... She gave some advice... suggested some ways for me to get some help (with which I plan to follow through).... And, I ended up buried deep into my funk again.... And I cranked the music.... different music this time...
Then, Terry gets home, and everything is ok.... for a moment... a vapor of smoke in time when he and I were like we used to be... happy, loving, playful, attentive.... and then he leaves, to go coach soccer with a guy from his work... and I crank the music again.... Justin Nozuka this time. Mellow... Slow... Sad... Sappy.... Wise.....
If music is the language of the heart and soul, then my soul is bipolar and my heart is schizophrenic. I sit back and reflect on what I listened to today, and what it says about my moods.... I'm on a roller coaster of emotions that is raging out of control.... the highs are exhilarating.... the lows drop a pit into my stomach.... side to side, up and down, round and round, upside down and back again... in a battle with myself.
I'm losing.
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