What would I say?

What would I say to you if I were to be candid?

Would I say that I'm sorry? Sure, if the subject were broached, I would say that I'm very sorry. Sorry for what? For being a self-centered bitch. For letting you down. For letting your family down. For being me.

Would I tell you I love you? No. I may still have feelings about the person you once were, but I'm sure that past person has since been altered. Much like myself, you've had traumatic experiences that have shaped you, molded you into... what... I do not know... whoever you may be today.

Do I want to go down that road again? Um. No. It's nothing personal, but you were WAY too easy for me to push around. When you had problems controlling your temper around everyone else, you obeyed my every whim. Which is not healthy, for you or me. Which is not what I need at the moment. I need someone who is strong, but gentle. You never found the balance between the two. Again, not to be mean, but I need someone who is smart...-er than you are. I never thought you were stupid. I still don't. But the fact remains that you neglected your education to the point that, while it was endearing back then, it would seriously get on my nerves to the point of offending me as I am now.

So, why am I writing this? So I can keep my mouth (fingers) in check the next time I talk/write to you. So I don't take a flight of fancy with the butterflies that are in my stomach when I think of you... the past tense you... the you that you used to be when I treated you so horribly... the you that is forever etched in my memory... as the one who... was too scared to make the move... was so sweet when I didn't deserve that kind of treatment... was under my thumb and under my spell... I liked that feeling, and like it still, which is why I entertain the thought of stringing you along once again.

But you are not YOU anymore

And I am not me

And I know it's not fair to the new you... the you I will get acquainted with... the you who is ten years older... wiser
And it's not fair to me... the new me... the scared, angry, agitated, nervous, depressed, hopeless case of a mess me... the me that I kept hidden from the old you... and everyone else... until six months ago when it burst like a hot water bottle that was filled too full before heating
It's not fair to dump all of that mess onto one person, a person who most likely cannot handle the heat... the scalding heat of the steam that shoots out of my ears from time to time and overflows onto the carpet, burning the souls of those who are in my vicinity

So, I'll let you in on my secrets... little by little... until you know the true me for the ugly beast that I am.... the unrecognizable fat gross hateful fearful manic mess that I am. Then you'll realize that the old you didn't know the old me at all... that it was an act skillfully played by a master of manipulation who was pulling your strings and watching you dance at awkward angles until I grew tired of the jig and cut the strings leaving your lifeless broken body on the floor for your family to put back together... Only... I was the only person who was capable of making you whole again. For that, I will say that I'm sorry.