Final Post

So, I have to close this blog and start a new one. I was using it to protect my (ex) fiance from all the madness that goes on in my head. Well, he lost his shit and I was forced to show it to him so he could see what an ass he was being. He now knows all the of the deepest, darkest thoughts that have gone through my head. I was trying to spare him all that nastiness, because he wouldn't have the first clue on how to deal with it. No, he had to go and be an ass.... Make me show my true colors...

But that leads to another question.... Why in the hell should I have to wear a mask around the person who is supposed to be closer to me than anyone else? The answer: I shouldn't. I should be able to be completely and totally me. Honest... Open... Direct... Crazy (as it comes). Is it fair to either one of us for me to continue on in a relationship where I am constantly hiding my inner self from him? No, it's not.

So, I still have a decision to make. One that will affect the rest of my life and possibly my credibility with certain key family members. Before I make that call, I have to talk to Mom, which I'm doing tomorrow. Then, I have to deliberate.

For now, I'm living in a house with a man I am separated from. My schoolwork is not getting done because of all this mess... I'm going to have to request an extension... again. Oh, well... It WILL get done this time around. I'm not going to lose my dream over some guy. I did that once with Rodney and again with Chris. Not doing it again. I will persist... I will carry on.... I will move on... I will eventually find that one person who gets me completely and accepts me that way. Whether or not that is Terry still remains to be seen.

Roller Coasters and Lyrics

I woke up this morning cranky as hell. I got my coffee and settled down to the computer. Didn't do much on the computer... Mainly listened to music and chatted a little bit. The person I was chatting with went to lunch, so I got up to do dishes. I cranked the music. Suddenly, I found myself dancing. I was in a great mood! When does that happen, lately? Junior wanted nothing more than to play today, so I played with him... and danced... and washed bottles... and all was right with the world for about an hour. Then....

Junior's therapist gets here, and I find myself unburdening my soul about everything... well, almost everything.... I told her about how I'm crazy and that I need help... She gave some advice... suggested some ways for me to get some help (with which I plan to follow through).... And, I ended up buried deep into my funk again.... And I cranked the music.... different music this time...

Then, Terry gets home, and everything is ok.... for a moment... a vapor of smoke in time when he and I were like we used to be... happy, loving, playful, attentive.... and then he leaves, to go coach soccer with a guy from his work... and I crank the music again.... Justin Nozuka this time. Mellow... Slow... Sad... Sappy.... Wise.....

If music is the language of the heart and soul, then my soul is bipolar and my heart is schizophrenic. I sit back and reflect on what I listened to today, and what it says about my moods.... I'm on a roller coaster of emotions that is raging out of control.... the highs are exhilarating.... the lows drop a pit into my stomach.... side to side, up and down, round and round, upside down and back again... in a battle with myself.

I'm losing.

Let it fade....

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?
Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?
You can't live this way too long.
There's more than this, more than this.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?
You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Have you been holding on to what this world has offered?
Have you been giving in to all these masquerades?
It will be gone, forever gone.
It will be gone, it will be gone

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let it fade.

Are you carrying the weight too much?, are you running from the call?
Let it fade, Oh yeah.

You can rest, you will find rest.
You can rest you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Let this new life offered be your saving grace.
Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.
Have you been standing on your own feet too long?
Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

Jeremy Camp is a genius. This song always helps me put things in perspective. Through everything that is going on in my mind.... Peace... Everlasting peace in God. And I know I'll make it through... Just have to keep walking...

Clarity and Confusion

Things that are clear to me:

I love Junior.
In fact, I love all my kids.
I want to be closer to them.
I want to be closer to my parents.
I want to finish school.
I need to go back to work.
I need these meds to start working.
I need to not be feeling so down all the time so I can be a productive member of my household, family, community, society.

Things that I'm confused about:

Do I feel obligated to Terry, or do I want to be with him?
Is what I'm feeling a result of my constant need for understanding?
Do I sell him short?
Is this just a phase?
Is it caused by the depression?
Is the grass truly greener?
If so, is it just because the grass is growing over a septic tank?
Do I have time to figure all this out?
Will I ever figure all this out?
Do I want to figure all this out, or am I afraid of what I'll find out?
Will I be able to take the appropriate action, or will I settle?
Will it be settling?
Am I satisfied with being with someone who seriously needs a "mommy"?
Is that really what he needs, or am I just over exaggerating?
Is it possible to work out the kinks with someone who has a self-confessed, and perhaps self-afflicted, problem with communication?

Again, more questions than answers.

Confusion...

Every time I get happy in a relationship, something happens. I don't know if it's fate, the devil or a test. Either way, this is what happens: I'm going along in my relationship, being relatively content with it. No relationship is perfect, and I understand that... so I say relatively. Then, an innocuous person enters or re-enters my life, and I find myself questioning the entire state of my relationship. In the past, it was Chris entering my life when I was dating Mike... Then, Chuck when I was married to Chris... Keith and Jon when I was with Chuck... Each time, it was a "grass is always greener" scenario. They all told me the same things... I'll be nicer, cleaner, work harder, give it to you better, take care of you... on and on... I was able to resist Keith and Jon, and in hindsight, I made the right decision. Keith was a loser and Jon would never have committed to me. Chris ended up being my husband, and I ended up leaving him for Chuck. The jury is still out on which of those was a worse decision, and the verdict may never be known. All I know for sure is that for the first time, I was truly single when Terry and I got together. No extra baggage. No drama. Just him and me. We worked through most of our differences, mutually decided to have a baby (which I was pressured to do by Chuck, and forbidden to do by Chris). Now, I have this beautiful baby boy. I have a fiance who my sister is slowly letting me work into my children's lives.

So, what happened, you ask? What else? Someone has re-entered my life that has made me question my entire relationship. He didn't do it intentionally, at least, not that I know of. And a million things start going through my mind. But, this time, it's different. This time, I'm not looking back at all the times he accused me of cheating (cause he hasn't). I'm not thinking about how he's so lazy that he can't keep a job (cause he does). I'm not seething in anger at the thought of how he can't even take out the trash (he does that, too). WTH? And, for once, I'm evaluating my relationship, and I can't find a single serious fault with it. But, I'm still questioning it. Why? Is it because it's my m.o.? My history does show that I jump around. Rodney, a year and a half of hell. Chris, three years of being unwanted. Chuck, 5 years of being used and accused. And Terry, almost 3 years of... relative happiness. Wait a minute here... I'm happy? I mean other than the serious episode of depression I have going on right now... am I happy? I think I am, but I'm not sure. Why am I not sure? Back to the depression... I think I'm going to have to wait this one out until the Zoloft takes full effect... But, I think it's possible... I'm actually happy. I'll have to revisit this in another month... Everything is different this time around, and a lot is resting on this decision.

In and out

Why is it so hard for people to understand me when I say "I'm in a funk"? Going back and forth between being happy and sad, angry and depressed, panicky and calm. Why do I get this way? How do I stop it? I have no clue, and neither does anyone else. So, those with advanced degrees tell me to take a pill, or two, or ten. Those who can sympathize are really not in a much better position. Some of their advice is great... Still, I feel like no one on this planet has ever been in my same situation. And, that's true. There's only one me... only one person who has lived life in the exact way that I have... only one who has put themselves in the postion I'm in... just me. I am alone. I'm thankful for that in the way that you'd be happy that no one else has gone through the hardships you have. Yes, I know that there are those out there who've had worse things brought upon them. That doesn't help me, though. And, while I'm happy for them, I also resent the people who live their lives without knowing the things I know first hand. If they knew my story, they would shake their heads with pity and promptly forget about me. Or they would tell me it's my fault and that it's up to me to fix it. Well, damnit... sure, a HUGE part of my situation is my doing... but other people had some supporting roles. Now, I am doing everything I can to dig myself back out of this hole... But, it's hard when I have ZERO motivation. I'm finding it hard to motivate myself to eat... All I want to do is sleep and play with my little boy... the one person who can put a fleeting genuine smile on my face right now. Some would call what I have a "hormonal imbalance". My ex-husband called it PMDD, the cheuvanist bastard. Chuck would have said, "You're unhappy with me. You're cheating on me." etc., etc.... trying to turn it around to be a pity party for HIM. And Rodney, well, I spent our entire relationship in this state and he didn't even notice. Terry, well I'm hiding much of this from him, but he wouldn't know what to do with me if he knew. Truth be told, I've been prone to depression since my early teens. My parents thought I was a sullen, rebellious teenager... which I was... but it went deeper than that. The counselor I saw when I was 16 even failed to notice it, which is sad and also one of the reasons why I want to be a therapist now. I just keep waiting... and waiting... for these meds to kick in. I've had a few small moments of genuine content since I started on the Zoloft... supplemented by lorazepam, complements of Stacia. Yes, yes, I know it's wrong to take someone else's meds... but I have no insurance, nor money. Until I have either one or the other, I'm going to have to make do. Then, I'll go to the mental health place here in town and get on something... anything... other than effexor.... to snap me out of this. I have tried to do it by myself.... I have tried meds.... I have tried talking to people who know how I feel... Nothing is working for any lasting period of time. I'm not sure what to do now... what steps to take... who to talk to... I know that there are a few people I enjoy talking to, who help me, at least temporarily, forget what my mind is thinking. Perhaps it's because they are in worse places than I.... I don't know. I still don't know... That's my recurrent theme now. I WANT to feel better... Honestly and Truly, I DO. I just don't know how to get there... and I have come to the realization that I cannot do it alone.

I don't know what to say...

Basically, I am at a complete and utter loss right now. The weight I feel upon me is almost tangible. I know that it's the depression sneaking its way back into me. What triggered it, exactly, I cannot say for sure.... But I know that seeing one of my all time favorite shows come to an end tonight was the breaking point. No more ER on Thursday nights... My life is over. Yes, those two phrases came into my head, consecutively, in that order, no fillers. I've been feeling this way for weeks, suppressing it as much as possible. When Terry is around, I might be a bit snippy as I scurry to find the "happy" mask, but I really think he's essentially clueless to how bad I've truly been feeling. I want him to be that way. He said that I did seem happier when I was on my meds, so I have gone back on them. Really, honestly, I don't remember any discernable difference in my mind when I was on them. He seems to think so, so I'll comply. Every time I feel like this, I always sit back and wonder to myself, "What IS my problem? I should be happy... at least happier... Why am I so damned upset, distraught, scared, and flat out sad?" I can never come up with an answer. And now I know why the old snap-out-of-it solution doesn't work. How can I snap out of something when I can't even put my finger on the problem? Why do I want to crawl under a rock and drink and smoke myself into oblivion? I don't know. Why have I actually had fleeting thoughts of suicide? Still, no idea. Is it the fact that I feel like there are three HUGE chunks of me missing (Josh, Hannah, and Braedon)? The economy, and the fact that it is seriously affecting my income? Not being able to call Josh on his birthday? Not having the money to get him those rollerblades he wants? Being behind on my school work and not really caring? My sister telling me she's "too busy being a mom" to be taking any classes right now when I am in some form of doctor's visit for my ONE child SIX times a month? My son not gaining weight like he should and being essentially four months behind developmentally because of it? My almost uncontrollable fear that something is going to happen to take my son away from me? Or the fact that I have that fear at all in lieu of the constant stream of compliments I get on how I'm handling him? I guess it's all of it. And none of it. I really, honestly just don't feel like I'm ever going to be good enough to satisfy the people that mean the most to me. Don't be fooled, I'm very good at hiding all this insecurity... At least with people that don't have the time or patience to pay proper attention. Anyone who spends more than an hour actively engaging me can see beyond what I'm saying and doing. I've always been a terrible actress. The worst part about all of this is that I'm the go-to person. I'm the therapist in training who already has clients. I'm the most emotionally together person in my small circle of close friends, or so they think. Actually, I'm just better at repressing my deepest, darkest, most self-loathing thoughts.... for a time. Then, ER ends and they come bubbling to the surface again... And once again, I'm forced to negotiate with myself... The number one reason I keep myself on this planet in this miserable existence is this: My kids are already screwed up. What will killing myself do to them emotionally and spiritually? Trisha and Hannah would be devestated. So would Terry. Josh would crawl deeper inside himself and probably disappear, needing even more extensive therapy than he is already receiving. Junior would never know me as anything but an angry and depressed person, because those are the only times I write. As I tell my friends who have suicidal tendencies, it is the utmost in selfish acts. So, I choose to endure my pitiful excuse for a life for them. Because, as much as I've screwed up... Killing myself would completely screw them up. But, that still doesn't make me feel better. I just flat out don't know what to do anymore. So, I go back on my meds. I wait until Terry and Junior are in bed to break down. I make sure that no one sees me like this, vulnerable, raw, open, bawling, begging for help that can't/won't/doesn't come. Last time I opened up to an actual human being like this... Well, I never have. Why would I? The people whose opinions mean the most to me don't want/need/have the time to hear it/feel sorry/offer advice/give a hug. The people who would understand need me to listen to them more than I need them to listen to me. So, I have myself... And my blog... And I write until I feel better... But this time it isn't working... I only feel worse... Or maybe this is just my way of getting all those emotions out and it's taking longer than usual. I don't know. I still just don't know.