Ok, why the fuck do I still remember your birthday? Half the time, I can't remember much more important dates, so why does October 26th, 1976 still seem to be embedded into my memory?
I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go....
Yeah, right. I used to pretend that you'd come and sweep me off my feet. But, you never did. So, I changed that pretense into a "chance meeting" where, miraculously, you and I were both single. But, that never happened. Then, I realized that you were never going to come back into my life in any way that would please me, because there were too many unanswered questions.
I'm looking for attention, not another question...
You probably still have no clue how you affected me, or how I cried when I mailed the letter that labelled me a "cold-hearted bitch". You probably don't care. No, I know you don't care. You never did, and that.. I think... is what really kills me... what makes me want revenge... You never even cared how you affected other people who cared about you. And it KILLS me that I still care. I deny it to everyone to the end of the earth, but it's true. I do care.
Have you no shame? Don't you see me?
Why the fuck do I care? Because I care about other people in general? No, although that is true. I care about you specifically. And it's weird how I have come to that conclusion. When Shawna was staying here for those few weeks, she and I would sometimes drift onto the topic of you, her older brother, her should-be protector. And I got angry. Very angry. I thought I'd let this go a long time ago... About the time I got relabelled by you... But it crept back up inside of me like a knife that had been lying dormant. All the pain, sorrow, tears, resentment, and rejection you gave to me came boiling back to the surface 10 years after the last time we spoke. Then I got pissed. I mean, really, seriously pissed. Your sister had to stop me from driving to Paris to kick your ass a few times. Generally speaking, I don't get that angry about what someone else does or says unless they mean something to me. Therefore, I came to the conclusion that I do actually still care. Ugh! Why?! You were such a dick to me! But, back to the ass-kicking portion....
I wanted to kick your ass for so many reasons...
For slighting me
For making me feel insignificant
For making me feel not good enough
For being the yard-stick by which I measured men for a LONG time
For lying
For being non-committal
For being an irresponsible person
For hurting your family
For making me think I had a chance
For using me to stroke your already enormous ego
For hurting another woman, who isn't nearly as bad as you told me she was... (in fact, she and I are friends now. Doesn't that just piss you off?)
For being a bad influence on your younger brothers and sisters. They now have problems that can be linked to your bad behavior.
For seriously, and possibly permanently, damaging one of your sisters, so much so that she has problems in her marriage.
Yeah, I could keep going, but what's the point? I feel this way and you don't give a crap. You never did. You never will. Part of my therapy (yes, I'm in therapy) is that I have to learn to let go of things. I'm totally failing that portion. I can't let things go. So, this is my burden to bear, until I learn to put it down. It really should be shared by you, but you won't even help carry the load. You never will. So why do I bother even writing this? I want you to see it, but I don't. I know that if you do, you're just going to laugh with your barely-legal girlfriend and point and talk about the little girl who "used to stalk you". Dude, I don't stalk. Period. And my actions back then were dictated by your encouragement. Don't get that confused.
K. I'm done. I'm not sure if I'll post this anywhere else. Why bother?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I had a good day today.
Below is a selection of excerpts from several songs that remind me of a certain person. For some reason, as the alcohol, medication, and "other things" begin to course through my veins, I find myself thinking more and more of that certain individual. My feelings are those of hurt, deception, and anger. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get over this, other than there are a select few... and elite, if you will.... that are allowed as far into my mind as he got. And to have him brush me off like an irritating horsefly really.... well, how do I put this? Hurts my feelings? Makes me feel completely and utterly rejected? Yeah, that's as close as I can get to putting into words adequately. As a woman who could once get whatever she wanted from almost any man on the planet, I'm not used to this feeling. It's doesn't feel great. And, consequently, since I'm not used to this feeling, I'm having a harder than usual time dealing with it. So, I'm going to write about it the best way I can under my current conditions. Whether or not this particular individual actually reads this, I don't care. This is selfish. This is for me. I hope that my sweetheart, Terry, does read this. He needs to know how I feel when someone who I did NOT love can affect me. Now that Terry has been allowed full access to the abyss that is my mind, he should know what the consequences could be from him... the love of my life.... rejecting me.
If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied,
and I won't betray the things that I hide.
There's not enough years underneath this belt,
for me to admit the way that I felt.
See, there? My luck ran out. I was forced to choose between repeating a pattern, or actually, honestly opening up to the man I loved. I chose the latter. My luck ran out. For once, I'm with a man that is too smart to see past my games. Once I opened his eyes, he actually continued to watch! So, my luck ran out.... but I'm much better off for it. I needed help admitting to someone whose opinion matters to me the things going on inside my head. I was scared that it would change his opinion of me.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize
But can you go back once you know?
I can't unknow the things I know and like about the person in question. Terry can't unknow all of the things he's just learned about me. He can't go back to not counting the pills in my hand. I can't unknow how close I was to the other person.... how much I enjoyed talking to him.... how much I really like him. We can't go back to "the way it was... before".
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you, too
I mean this literally to both men involved. I had something (-one) to lose by leaving Terry. I had to figure this out--quick. I felt like I couldn't keep true to a different part of myself, if I decided one way or the other. I had two options: Cheat on Terry and lose that part of myself that deals with responsibility, loyalty, and love. ~~OR~~ I could stay with Terry and lose that part of me that likes having a relationship with someone who truly gets me. Me? Of course I came up with I third option: Decide to be open, for once, and let that person see the skeletons and hiding insanities.
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep I need to tell you
Goodnight
(**Side note: "the person in question" will now be referred to as J, cause my brain is moving too slow right now to type that phrase out any more.)
I felt that way about both of you. I felt the urgent need to give a heartfelt ending to the day. J, I had to say good-night, have good dreams, you're going to be ok. I felt my day wasn't complete without telling him so. I can't sleep at all if Terry isn't by my side these days. He is my love, my shelter, my protector. I had to have him close, or I wouldn't feel right, wouldn't be able to sleep.
Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands
with all these blues?
Haunting me everywhere,
no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out
in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over?
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And, Baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's ROBBERY
So, this one is specifically for you, J. You KNEW how much I liked talking to you, how close I felt to you, how a part of my happiness depended on the daily chats you and I had. You KNEW this. Instead of manning up and telling me straight up why you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you concocted a story to "soften the blow" I guess. When men tell stories like that to women, they offer the women a glimmer of hope that the situation is reversible, even though it's not in the minds of the men. It's always better to shoot us straight. Yes, we'll get angry. In fact, we'll go through all the stages of grief. BUT, we'll eventually get over it and move on.
Life fell away from his voice in the midnight air
Hey
Lying on the moonlit ground he was looking up at me
Such a simple thing to do
Just as simple as the way he fades away.....
.........fades
.............away
This, too, is for J. After all, HE'S the one who faded away from me. Slowly. Painfully. Like watching someone die from a distance. As much as he was sinking into his oblivion, overpowered by the problems he is facing from within and without, I felt like I was standing on the edge of the ocean, powerless to throw him a life raft. Every time I cast it to him, he would swim further out to sea, ignoring the help I was offering, refusing to trust that I would, that I could indeed pull him back ashore.
Close your ears to words from out
Unless the word came out your head
Or the word was built with your hands
Close your soul to a voice of a man from a non distant land
Cause that man has a plan to put bullets through your stand
Do you stand under this
Or
Do you stand over this
Do you over stand me
You must not be listening
Its O.K.
I understand
Why
I
We
No he,
Told you
But Do
If you have the words inside your self
Then
Listen to the words you hear
Listen to the words you say
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Going under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
It's hard to explain why I had a good day today when all of these angry and hurtful thoughts are going through my mind. Don't get me wrong, things are tense around here at times. But we've learned to coexist, to talk instead of yell, to compromise instead of demanding. The above excerpt isn't for Terry. I'll write another blog for him alone. This one, again, is for J. It reads like a "Dear John" letter, one that I'd write to him if I felt the need to waste anymore energy on him. It almost details how the brief relationship that he and I had actually played out. The sadness from him jilting me hit me like a runaway train. My recovery is a lot faster than it would have been had I actually taken the steps that would have allowed me to actually fall in love with him. I'm glad that I didn't.
If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied,
and I won't betray the things that I hide.
There's not enough years underneath this belt,
for me to admit the way that I felt.
See, there? My luck ran out. I was forced to choose between repeating a pattern, or actually, honestly opening up to the man I loved. I chose the latter. My luck ran out. For once, I'm with a man that is too smart to see past my games. Once I opened his eyes, he actually continued to watch! So, my luck ran out.... but I'm much better off for it. I needed help admitting to someone whose opinion matters to me the things going on inside my head. I was scared that it would change his opinion of me.
So, sure, I could just close my eyes
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize
But can you go back once you know?
I can't unknow the things I know and like about the person in question. Terry can't unknow all of the things he's just learned about me. He can't go back to not counting the pills in my hand. I can't unknow how close I was to the other person.... how much I enjoyed talking to him.... how much I really like him. We can't go back to "the way it was... before".
I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you, too
I mean this literally to both men involved. I had something (-one) to lose by leaving Terry. I had to figure this out--quick. I felt like I couldn't keep true to a different part of myself, if I decided one way or the other. I had two options: Cheat on Terry and lose that part of myself that deals with responsibility, loyalty, and love. ~~OR~~ I could stay with Terry and lose that part of me that likes having a relationship with someone who truly gets me. Me? Of course I came up with I third option: Decide to be open, for once, and let that person see the skeletons and hiding insanities.
The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep I need to tell you
Goodnight
(**Side note: "the person in question" will now be referred to as J, cause my brain is moving too slow right now to type that phrase out any more.)
I felt that way about both of you. I felt the urgent need to give a heartfelt ending to the day. J, I had to say good-night, have good dreams, you're going to be ok. I felt my day wasn't complete without telling him so. I can't sleep at all if Terry isn't by my side these days. He is my love, my shelter, my protector. I had to have him close, or I wouldn't feel right, wouldn't be able to sleep.
Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands
This is purely for J. I really thought it would be easier to let it go, but I still find myself dwelling on it from time to time. No matter what was going on in my life, or in my head, talking to him would always make me feel better, normal for a few seconds. It's unfair to put my happiness into the hands of someone else. But, I did it, unintentionally. However, when I came to that realization, I discovered that there was indeed a person already here with me who was capable of handling that burden. It's not his fault that I didn't give Terry the benefit of the doubt. I'm glad that I decided to give him that chance.
What am I supposed to dowith all these blues?
Haunting me everywhere,
no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out
in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over?
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And, Baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's ROBBERY
So, this one is specifically for you, J. You KNEW how much I liked talking to you, how close I felt to you, how a part of my happiness depended on the daily chats you and I had. You KNEW this. Instead of manning up and telling me straight up why you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you concocted a story to "soften the blow" I guess. When men tell stories like that to women, they offer the women a glimmer of hope that the situation is reversible, even though it's not in the minds of the men. It's always better to shoot us straight. Yes, we'll get angry. In fact, we'll go through all the stages of grief. BUT, we'll eventually get over it and move on.
Life fell away from his voice in the midnight air
Hey
Lying on the moonlit ground he was looking up at me
Such a simple thing to do
Just as simple as the way he fades away.....
.........fades
.............away
This, too, is for J. After all, HE'S the one who faded away from me. Slowly. Painfully. Like watching someone die from a distance. As much as he was sinking into his oblivion, overpowered by the problems he is facing from within and without, I felt like I was standing on the edge of the ocean, powerless to throw him a life raft. Every time I cast it to him, he would swim further out to sea, ignoring the help I was offering, refusing to trust that I would, that I could indeed pull him back ashore.
Close your ears to words from out
Unless the word came out your head
Or the word was built with your hands
Close your soul to a voice of a man from a non distant land
Cause that man has a plan to put bullets through your stand
Do you stand under this
Or
Do you stand over this
Do you over stand me
You must not be listening
Its O.K.
I understand
Why
I
We
No he,
Told you
But Do
If you have the words inside your self
Then
Listen to the words you hear
Listen to the words you say
This is advice to myself, given by the ever-eloquent Justin Nozuka. I think it's pretty much self-explanatory. Given the fact that one of the only people I opened up to shut the door on me, I have to turn away from that door and search within. It's wasn't as dark and ghastly as I imagined. I listened to myself. I told me that the correct course to take would be to break from my pattern, a pattern that was self-destructive and led me nowhere.
Now I will tell you what I've done for youFifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Going under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under
It's hard to explain why I had a good day today when all of these angry and hurtful thoughts are going through my mind. Don't get me wrong, things are tense around here at times. But we've learned to coexist, to talk instead of yell, to compromise instead of demanding. The above excerpt isn't for Terry. I'll write another blog for him alone. This one, again, is for J. It reads like a "Dear John" letter, one that I'd write to him if I felt the need to waste anymore energy on him. It almost details how the brief relationship that he and I had actually played out. The sadness from him jilting me hit me like a runaway train. My recovery is a lot faster than it would have been had I actually taken the steps that would have allowed me to actually fall in love with him. I'm glad that I didn't.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Absence... Heart.... Fonder?
So, I'm sitting here wondering... Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Can absence make the heart grow fonder when the presence of a certain person has never been felt? Case in point: My other and I reconnected via the internet. Talked on the phone constantly for several months, decided we were in love, he moved down, moved in. Having never met in person during our adult lives, could his absence have made my heart grow fonder of him, since my heart had never known his presence? I don't know. I don't think he does, either. Considering he has had two long-term relationships, both of which started via the Internet. Would he have known the difference between falling in love in person, or through a relatively impersonal medium?
Don't get me wrong... I'm not knocking cyber-romance. In my lifetime, it has become possible to connect with people from practically every part of the globe in real-time. BUT (as I said Saturday night, there's always a BUT) we've lost something in all of this light-speed communication. It was NEVER intended for us to be able to fall in love without physical contact. Whatever you believe, evolution, intelligent design, it is clear that our bodies and minds are programmed to take in large amounts of data through ALL 5 of our senses.... Sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We release chemicals that attract the opposite sex on the sub-conscious level through our sense of smell. Also on that level, we sum up the symmatry of a person's body, looking for hints as to whether this person would create good offspring. The sound of a person's voice, the texture of their skin, lips and hair, the taste of their kiss... These are all supposed to be determining factors when we choose that special someone. People who use these senses are often called shallow, but these things were programmed into us for a reason. Physical compatibility is JUST AS important as the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual levels.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not knocking cyber-romance. In my lifetime, it has become possible to connect with people from practically every part of the globe in real-time. BUT (as I said Saturday night, there's always a BUT) we've lost something in all of this light-speed communication. It was NEVER intended for us to be able to fall in love without physical contact. Whatever you believe, evolution, intelligent design, it is clear that our bodies and minds are programmed to take in large amounts of data through ALL 5 of our senses.... Sight, sound, taste, touch, and smell. We release chemicals that attract the opposite sex on the sub-conscious level through our sense of smell. Also on that level, we sum up the symmatry of a person's body, looking for hints as to whether this person would create good offspring. The sound of a person's voice, the texture of their skin, lips and hair, the taste of their kiss... These are all supposed to be determining factors when we choose that special someone. People who use these senses are often called shallow, but these things were programmed into us for a reason. Physical compatibility is JUST AS important as the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual levels.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Long line of excuses....
So, basically it all boils down to this: Everyone, except for my mom, bailed on me today. Stacia wanted/needed some time away... She got caught up in other stuff and could only stop by for a moment to pick up her knee brace as I was walking out the door. Understandable. I know her crazy life, so I know that things like this do come up at the last friggin second. Not entirely heartbroken about it, but I missed time with my soul sister.
Shawna made plans to come a visit in TC today. She canceled at the last second because of family issues. Also understandable. I would never ask someone to put me before their kids. Disappointed, yes. Mad? No.
Jeremy completely bailed on me. No phone call. No text. Nothing. Just flat out didn't show up, didn't answer his phone, didn't answer the text messages or the voicemails. Ok, now I'm disappointed. And angry. WTF? I mean, seriously.
Stacia, Shawna... Thank you. You guys have always told me what I NEEDED to hear... Not what I necessarily WANTED to hear.
Mom, I love you. Right now, more than I could ever express. You gave me permission to be crazy and indecisive right now. You validated my choice to refuse to make a choice. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Right now, while I have the house to myself (Thank God... Please, God, let Terry stay wherever he is tonight).... I'm going to take some night-night pills and crash.
If ANY of the people mentioned in this blog happen to feel the need to call me tomorrow, by all means, do so. If not, well... in my state of mind right now... It's whatever.
Shawna made plans to come a visit in TC today. She canceled at the last second because of family issues. Also understandable. I would never ask someone to put me before their kids. Disappointed, yes. Mad? No.
Jeremy completely bailed on me. No phone call. No text. Nothing. Just flat out didn't show up, didn't answer his phone, didn't answer the text messages or the voicemails. Ok, now I'm disappointed. And angry. WTF? I mean, seriously.
Stacia, Shawna... Thank you. You guys have always told me what I NEEDED to hear... Not what I necessarily WANTED to hear.
Mom, I love you. Right now, more than I could ever express. You gave me permission to be crazy and indecisive right now. You validated my choice to refuse to make a choice. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Right now, while I have the house to myself (Thank God... Please, God, let Terry stay wherever he is tonight).... I'm going to take some night-night pills and crash.
If ANY of the people mentioned in this blog happen to feel the need to call me tomorrow, by all means, do so. If not, well... in my state of mind right now... It's whatever.
While the coffee brews...
Have you ever noticed how the titles to my posts always sound like they could be soap opera titles? I just noticed that, and it seems a little appropriate. Apparently, I have an affinity for creating drama where there once was none. It's wired into my brain... damnit.
Anyway... Last night unfolded like this: Stacia comes over. We blow off some steam. She leaves. Terry gets home. Hoo-freaking-ray for me! It's really hard to figure out the crap in my head when the person I'm figuring stuff out about is sitting/sleeping in my living room. Neither of us has the money to get our own place. Nor do we have a (local) place to "crash" while my mind does some serious work.
I've already outlined most of the questions here, so I feel no need to repeat myself. There are no easy answers to those questions, especially in my current state of mind. I'm barely holding myself together right now, so why should it be expected that I can make life changing decisions in a snap? I told Terry I needed time to sort stuff out... That I needed that time and was working on the problem BEFORE crap hit the fan.... And now that I have to clean crap out of my hair at the same time, it's going to take longer. He's going to have to understand that, or make the decision for me and leave.
I told him all the things that lead to me first questioning our relationship. Of course, if he had read more than one post in my blog, he'd have known without me telling him. I told him that now that I have this trust issue to deal with on top of everything else... It could be a while. Maybe talking to Mom today will help clarify some things. Maybe she'll do what I think she'll do and tell me that I'm on my own in this.
"Hand me something relatively easy, and I'll complicate the shit out of it." ^^^THAT should be on my warning label. (Note to self: get an estimated price for a tattooed warning label on my ass.)
Anyway... Last night unfolded like this: Stacia comes over. We blow off some steam. She leaves. Terry gets home. Hoo-freaking-ray for me! It's really hard to figure out the crap in my head when the person I'm figuring stuff out about is sitting/sleeping in my living room. Neither of us has the money to get our own place. Nor do we have a (local) place to "crash" while my mind does some serious work.
I've already outlined most of the questions here, so I feel no need to repeat myself. There are no easy answers to those questions, especially in my current state of mind. I'm barely holding myself together right now, so why should it be expected that I can make life changing decisions in a snap? I told Terry I needed time to sort stuff out... That I needed that time and was working on the problem BEFORE crap hit the fan.... And now that I have to clean crap out of my hair at the same time, it's going to take longer. He's going to have to understand that, or make the decision for me and leave.
I told him all the things that lead to me first questioning our relationship. Of course, if he had read more than one post in my blog, he'd have known without me telling him. I told him that now that I have this trust issue to deal with on top of everything else... It could be a while. Maybe talking to Mom today will help clarify some things. Maybe she'll do what I think she'll do and tell me that I'm on my own in this.
"Hand me something relatively easy, and I'll complicate the shit out of it." ^^^THAT should be on my warning label. (Note to self: get an estimated price for a tattooed warning label on my ass.)
Friday, April 17, 2009
How?
How do I always get myself into these situations? I am always SO SURE that he's the one.... Things go great for a while... Then something snaps....
He deserves to have someone who is completely open with him.
I deserve to be with someone who can listen to my insanity without judgment... Around whom I can just be ME.
Never said he was a bad guy... He's not.
Never said I didn't love him... I do.
Never said he was perfect.
Never claimed to be perfect.
I was a different person 2 and a half years ago.
He's made some changes, too.
We are growing in separate directions.
Can it work? I don't know.
Do I want to try? Again, don't know.
Will this all be clear in a day or two? Unlikely.
He deserves to have someone who is completely open with him.
I deserve to be with someone who can listen to my insanity without judgment... Around whom I can just be ME.
Never said he was a bad guy... He's not.
Never said I didn't love him... I do.
Never said he was perfect.
Never claimed to be perfect.
I was a different person 2 and a half years ago.
He's made some changes, too.
We are growing in separate directions.
Can it work? I don't know.
Do I want to try? Again, don't know.
Will this all be clear in a day or two? Unlikely.
Final Post
So, I have to close this blog and start a new one. I was using it to protect my (ex) fiance from all the madness that goes on in my head. Well, he lost his shit and I was forced to show it to him so he could see what an ass he was being. He now knows all the of the deepest, darkest thoughts that have gone through my head. I was trying to spare him all that nastiness, because he wouldn't have the first clue on how to deal with it. No, he had to go and be an ass.... Make me show my true colors...
But that leads to another question.... Why in the hell should I have to wear a mask around the person who is supposed to be closer to me than anyone else? The answer: I shouldn't. I should be able to be completely and totally me. Honest... Open... Direct... Crazy (as it comes). Is it fair to either one of us for me to continue on in a relationship where I am constantly hiding my inner self from him? No, it's not.
So, I still have a decision to make. One that will affect the rest of my life and possibly my credibility with certain key family members. Before I make that call, I have to talk to Mom, which I'm doing tomorrow. Then, I have to deliberate.
For now, I'm living in a house with a man I am separated from. My schoolwork is not getting done because of all this mess... I'm going to have to request an extension... again. Oh, well... It WILL get done this time around. I'm not going to lose my dream over some guy. I did that once with Rodney and again with Chris. Not doing it again. I will persist... I will carry on.... I will move on... I will eventually find that one person who gets me completely and accepts me that way. Whether or not that is Terry still remains to be seen.
But that leads to another question.... Why in the hell should I have to wear a mask around the person who is supposed to be closer to me than anyone else? The answer: I shouldn't. I should be able to be completely and totally me. Honest... Open... Direct... Crazy (as it comes). Is it fair to either one of us for me to continue on in a relationship where I am constantly hiding my inner self from him? No, it's not.
So, I still have a decision to make. One that will affect the rest of my life and possibly my credibility with certain key family members. Before I make that call, I have to talk to Mom, which I'm doing tomorrow. Then, I have to deliberate.
For now, I'm living in a house with a man I am separated from. My schoolwork is not getting done because of all this mess... I'm going to have to request an extension... again. Oh, well... It WILL get done this time around. I'm not going to lose my dream over some guy. I did that once with Rodney and again with Chris. Not doing it again. I will persist... I will carry on.... I will move on... I will eventually find that one person who gets me completely and accepts me that way. Whether or not that is Terry still remains to be seen.
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