What would I say?

What would I say to you if I were to be candid?

Would I say that I'm sorry? Sure, if the subject were broached, I would say that I'm very sorry. Sorry for what? For being a self-centered bitch. For letting you down. For letting your family down. For being me.

Would I tell you I love you? No. I may still have feelings about the person you once were, but I'm sure that past person has since been altered. Much like myself, you've had traumatic experiences that have shaped you, molded you into... what... I do not know... whoever you may be today.

Do I want to go down that road again? Um. No. It's nothing personal, but you were WAY too easy for me to push around. When you had problems controlling your temper around everyone else, you obeyed my every whim. Which is not healthy, for you or me. Which is not what I need at the moment. I need someone who is strong, but gentle. You never found the balance between the two. Again, not to be mean, but I need someone who is smart...-er than you are. I never thought you were stupid. I still don't. But the fact remains that you neglected your education to the point that, while it was endearing back then, it would seriously get on my nerves to the point of offending me as I am now.

So, why am I writing this? So I can keep my mouth (fingers) in check the next time I talk/write to you. So I don't take a flight of fancy with the butterflies that are in my stomach when I think of you... the past tense you... the you that you used to be when I treated you so horribly... the you that is forever etched in my memory... as the one who... was too scared to make the move... was so sweet when I didn't deserve that kind of treatment... was under my thumb and under my spell... I liked that feeling, and like it still, which is why I entertain the thought of stringing you along once again.

But you are not YOU anymore

And I am not me

And I know it's not fair to the new you... the you I will get acquainted with... the you who is ten years older... wiser
And it's not fair to me... the new me... the scared, angry, agitated, nervous, depressed, hopeless case of a mess me... the me that I kept hidden from the old you... and everyone else... until six months ago when it burst like a hot water bottle that was filled too full before heating
It's not fair to dump all of that mess onto one person, a person who most likely cannot handle the heat... the scalding heat of the steam that shoots out of my ears from time to time and overflows onto the carpet, burning the souls of those who are in my vicinity

So, I'll let you in on my secrets... little by little... until you know the true me for the ugly beast that I am.... the unrecognizable fat gross hateful fearful manic mess that I am. Then you'll realize that the old you didn't know the old me at all... that it was an act skillfully played by a master of manipulation who was pulling your strings and watching you dance at awkward angles until I grew tired of the jig and cut the strings leaving your lifeless broken body on the floor for your family to put back together... Only... I was the only person who was capable of making you whole again. For that, I will say that I'm sorry.

Are you effin kidding me?

Ok, I think I've figured this out. My brain is just flat out over-analytical. Once again, a person from my past has contacted me. A person who never did me any wrong. Instead, I did them wrong. For no good reason. And I feel bad about it. Terry knows they have contacted me, and he and I agreed that it is best that he doesn't have our phone number. This is not unreasonable, because I wouldn't like it if Terry's ex girlfriends were calling him up (when it was happening, I didn't appreciate it).

Anyway, the ex in question is named Mike. He was a good enough guy, as far as I was concerned. He was, in fact, the first guy I went out with on whom I had a crush prior to his asking me out. I was ecstatic about this, honestly. Well, I went off to Job Corps while he was on house arrest. And, because I was a self-centered little bitch, I dumped him at the first opportunity of greener pastures. And that was really horrible of me. And I feel bad. And I want to write him this long, drawn out email detailing how much I am sorry and apologize to him. But I haven't. Why, you ask? Well, that's complicated... and it's not....

See, I've learned a lot about myself and about other people in the past six months. I can read the signs. I was one of the first people he contacted upon his release from prison. He addressed me as "Sweetie". Obviously, he still has a thing for me... Which is so sweet... and undeserving... in my eyes. And that makes me just want to give him a big hug. The old feelings I had for him come back... and this time with reason. He WAS really good to me. Very sweet and respectful. Perhaps a bit intimidated by me, but I've since learned that I just tend to have that effect on people. Either way, I really liked him.. and he really liked me. And I think these feelings are still there. BUT... there's always a "but"...

He still thinks I'm the same person I was back then... some 10 years ago. That could not be further from the truth. And, since he's spent that same amount of time in prison, I'm sure the same applies to him. What I'm afraid of is that I am going to talk to him and find out that I like him just as much now as I did then.

The problem with that is that I really and truly love Terry. He is good for me, and I am good for him. Each of our families love the other. I don't know where I'd be if not for him. So, I've taken a step back from this situation. I haven't written any long, apologetic emails. I haven't given my phone number out. I haven't made any calls. I've been a good girl. I've decided to talk to him on chat only. To see how that goes. To make sure that I don't light any fires or fan any existent flames. To ensure that my current relationship endures. My head is on straighter now than when I was talking to Jeremy. I'm over that whole ordeal. I can understand why Terry doesn't want me talking to Mike over the phone. And I'll go along with it.