I need to write...

Why don't people understand this? Writing helps me. I can get my thoughts into focus, calm myself down, and do something I enjoy all at the same time.

Most of the time, I have no idea what I'm going to write until I put my fingers to the keyboard. Unless I have a predetermined agenda, it's only when I start writing that the thoughts come into focus. Maybe that's why my blogs are so long. I think in linear terms. I move from one topic to the next almost seamlessly. It looks confusing to some, but if you read my blogs, you will truly see how my mind works.

Other people's minds don't work like mine. They think more abstractly, or circularly, or purposefully, or carefully. Me? This, and my other blog, I consider mine. If I can't speak openly and frankly on MY pages, then where else can I? Certainly not with the large majority of my family.

Get this (Stacia, you'll know what I'm talking about): I posted a blog about messaging my abusive ex. I wrote him to tell him that, while once I blamed him for everything, I have stopped doing so because I'm an adult now. I told him exactly how his presence in my life affected me and my future up to that point. I placed the blame squarely on his shoulders for a moment, then removed it again. Only when the weight of the world is removed from our shoulders do we truly understand how heavy the burden was. That was my point in telling him all that I did. Selfish, yes, but freeing. It allowed me to completely move on, something I hadn't done in the 10 years since I met him. What did I get in return for writing about that on my blog? A slew of nasty, condemning messages from my niece. She's just like her mother: cold, calculating, manipulative, deceptive, two-faced. As much as I hate the accusing stares, vicious eyes, hateful words, I hate the fake smiles and half-hearted pretend conversations even more.

Speaking of her mother, I have contacted her twice in regards to Christmas arrangements for this year. She hasn't written me back to even say, "I'll let you know." I have a feeling that this is going to bite me in the ass. Where I see that she would have no room to complain if she doesn't get back with me, she'll say that since I didn't hear anything back that I should have assumed that things haven't changed. Oh, my but they have, my dear, not that you would take notice of that fact unless it smacked you in the back of the friggin head. Besides, anytime I assume something in regards to her, I end up flat on my ass, rubbing the bump on my head, wondering how I got there. And last week she didn't answer her phone or call back when I tried to call my kids. Hmmm.... Sound fishy to anyone else? I'm sorry, but I just don't trust anyone who smiles through their teeth at me.

In the court of public opinion, I have always been, and will likely continue to be, guilty. Sometimes with reason (I'm not perfect), sometimes without (Neither is anyone else). Who are we supposed to be able to rely on when troubles arise, crises present themselves, and we need help? Our family, of course. There are precious few people in my family that I can count on to help me stand when I've fallen, even if it's only emotionally. The rest of them throw dirt in my eyes, kick me in the stomach, and then piss on me for good measure. And let me tell you something, there is nothing worse in this world than the sight of your sister, your former idol, squat pissing over top of you while you try to rub the dirt out of your eyes.