I had a good day today.

Below is a selection of excerpts from several songs that remind me of a certain person. For some reason, as the alcohol, medication, and "other things" begin to course through my veins, I find myself thinking more and more of that certain individual. My feelings are those of hurt, deception, and anger. I don't know why it's so hard for me to get over this, other than there are a select few... and elite, if you will.... that are allowed as far into my mind as he got. And to have him brush me off like an irritating horsefly really.... well, how do I put this? Hurts my feelings? Makes me feel completely and utterly rejected? Yeah, that's as close as I can get to putting into words adequately. As a woman who could once get whatever she wanted from almost any man on the planet, I'm not used to this feeling. It's doesn't feel great. And, consequently, since I'm not used to this feeling, I'm having a harder than usual time dealing with it. So, I'm going to write about it the best way I can under my current conditions. Whether or not this particular individual actually reads this, I don't care. This is selfish. This is for me. I hope that my sweetheart, Terry, does read this. He needs to know how I feel when someone who I did NOT love can affect me. Now that Terry has been allowed full access to the abyss that is my mind, he should know what the consequences could be from him... the love of my life.... rejecting me.

If I stay lucky then my tongue will stay tied,
and I won't betray the things that I hide.
There's not enough years underneath this belt,
for me to admit the way that I felt.

See, there? My luck ran out. I was forced to choose between repeating a pattern, or actually, honestly opening up to the man I loved. I chose the latter. My luck ran out. For once, I'm with a man that is too smart to see past my games. Once I opened his eyes, he actually continued to watch! So, my luck ran out.... but I'm much better off for it. I needed help admitting to someone whose opinion matters to me the things going on inside my head. I was scared that it would change his opinion of me.

So, sure, I could just close my eyes
Yeah, sure, trace and memorize
But can you go back once you know?

I can't unknow the things I know and like about the person in question. Terry can't unknow all of the things he's just learned about me. He can't go back to not counting the pills in my hand. I can't unknow how close I was to the other person.... how much I enjoyed talking to him.... how much I really like him. We can't go back to "the way it was... before".

I can't keep my cool, so I keep it true
I got somethin to lose, so I gotta move
I can't keep myself, and still keep you, too

I mean this literally to both men involved. I had something (-one) to lose by leaving Terry. I had to figure this out--quick. I felt like I couldn't keep true to a different part of myself, if I decided one way or the other. I had two options: Cheat on Terry and lose that part of myself that deals with responsibility, loyalty, and love. ~~OR~~ I could stay with Terry and lose that part of me that likes having a relationship with someone who truly gets me. Me? Of course I came up with I third option: Decide to be open, for once, and let that person see the skeletons and hiding insanities.

The words have been drained from this pencil
Sweet words that I want to give you
And I can't sleep I need to tell you
Goodnight

(**Side note: "the person in question" will now be referred to as J, cause my brain is moving too slow right now to type that phrase out any more.)

I felt that way about both of you. I felt the urgent need to give a heartfelt ending to the day. J, I had to say good-night, have good dreams, you're going to be ok. I felt my day wasn't complete without telling him so. I can't sleep at all if Terry isn't by my side these days. He is my love, my shelter, my protector. I had to have him close, or I wouldn't feel right, wouldn't be able to sleep.

Look at me
My depth perception must be off again
You got much closer than I thought you did
I'm in your reach
You held me in your hands

This is purely for J. I really thought it would be easier to let it go, but I still find myself dwelling on it from time to time. No matter what was going on in my life, or in my head, talking to him would always make me feel better, normal for a few seconds. It's unfair to put my happiness into the hands of someone else. But, I did it, unintentionally. However, when I came to that realization, I discovered that there was indeed a person already here with me who was capable of handling that burden. It's not his fault that I didn't give Terry the benefit of the doubt. I'm glad that I decided to give him that chance.

What am I supposed to do
with all these blues?
Haunting me everywhere,
no matter what I do
Watching the candle flicker out
in the evening glow
I can't let go
When will the night be over?
I didn't mean to fall in love with you
And, Baby there's a name
For what you put me through
It isn't love, it's ROBBERY

So, this one is specifically for you, J. You KNEW how much I liked talking to you, how close I felt to you, how a part of my happiness depended on the daily chats you and I had. You KNEW this. Instead of manning up and telling me straight up why you didn't want to talk to me anymore, you concocted a story to "soften the blow" I guess. When men tell stories like that to women, they offer the women a glimmer of hope that the situation is reversible, even though it's not in the minds of the men. It's always better to shoot us straight. Yes, we'll get angry. In fact, we'll go through all the stages of grief. BUT, we'll eventually get over it and move on.

Life fell away from his voice in the midnight air
Hey
Lying on the moonlit ground he was looking up at me
Such a simple thing to do
Just as simple as the way he fades away.....
.........fades
.............away

This, too, is for J. After all, HE'S the one who faded away from me. Slowly. Painfully. Like watching someone die from a distance. As much as he was sinking into his oblivion, overpowered by the problems he is facing from within and without, I felt like I was standing on the edge of the ocean, powerless to throw him a life raft. Every time I cast it to him, he would swim further out to sea, ignoring the help I was offering, refusing to trust that I would, that I could indeed pull him back ashore.

Close your ears to words from out
Unless the word came out your head
Or the word was built with your hands
Close your soul to a voice of a man from a non distant land
Cause that man has a plan to put bullets through your stand
Do you stand under this
Or
Do you stand over this
Do you over stand me
You must not be listening
Its O.K.
I understand
Why
I
We
No he,
Told you
But Do
If you have the words inside your self
Then
Listen to the words you hear
Listen to the words you say

This is advice to myself, given by the ever-eloquent Justin Nozuka. I think it's pretty much self-explanatory. Given the fact that one of the only people I opened up to shut the door on me, I have to turn away from that door and search within. It's wasn't as dark and ghastly as I imagined. I listened to myself. I told me that the correct course to take would be to break from my pattern, a pattern that was self-destructive and led me nowhere.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me
Going under
Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily, defeated by you
Just when I thought, I reached the bottom
I'm dying again
I'm going under
Drowning in you
I'm falling forever
I've got to break through
I'm going under

It's hard to explain why I had a good day today when all of these angry and hurtful thoughts are going through my mind. Don't get me wrong, things are tense around here at times. But we've learned to coexist, to talk instead of yell, to compromise instead of demanding. The above excerpt isn't for Terry. I'll write another blog for him alone. This one, again, is for J. It reads like a "Dear John" letter, one that I'd write to him if I felt the need to waste anymore energy on him. It almost details how the brief relationship that he and I had actually played out. The sadness from him jilting me hit me like a runaway train. My recovery is a lot faster than it would have been had I actually taken the steps that would have allowed me to actually fall in love with him. I'm glad that I didn't.